If I write this… will you read it? If I write to you about the world and our God, will it change your heart? If I speak from my heart will you understand? All questions I allow into my thoughts once again, and questions I do not have the answer to… come to think of it, there are very few questions I feel I actually have the answer to…
Many times in this past week I have been asked, "How was your trip to Africa? Pretty crazy, hey?" Truth be told I never really know how to answer that question. Yes, I was in Africa. Yes, I did travel up to the refugee camps around Dadaab, and yes it has changed my life. The reality is that every time I leave my front door my life is changed and altered in one way or another. The fact that I am on the other side of the world should be inconsequential. Of course my life will be changed. The difference is how God uses these opportunities to break me. I can so easily get stuck in a rut or routine back at home that hearing from God becomes so difficult (or so I think). There are so many "noises" around me that keep me from hearing and seeing my God in action in our world. So God took me out of my regular schedule and placed me on one of the most difficult trips of my life.
I have never had such unrest about a trip in my life. When I was told that Anton and I would be going to Kenya to visit refugee camps and gain information of what was actually happening there, I was pumped. But as the week went by my attitude changed, I had no peace about this trip, I could not understand why we were going or what exactly we were to do and we had no plan.
Why did I no longer have peace? Why was God only speaking to my leaders and not me? Something was wrong here… So I made a decision to follow and see where God was leading. I got on the plane and found myself in Kenya a day and a half later… this was the beginning of a very long week. A week in which we (Anton, my sister and her husband and I) could not make anything happen ourselves. We would try and make a plan one way and not be able to or we’d be redirected into a new avenue, or we would just continue to hit road blocks. This only fueled the unrest I had already had and I began to question the team and God as to whether we really were supposed to be here. As the week was slowly fading away and no plans or headway was being made, I became so frustrated with God. I began to ask questions like, "Why? Why take me away from my home and family to be stuck in Kenya with no plans and no purpose?" You know what His response was?
"Find yourself in My presence and I will give you rest",
"Seek Me with your whole being",
"Demonstrate your trust in Me",
" Live in dependence of Me",
"In closeness to Me, you are safe",
"Spend time with Me."
My responses to these were, "God I do not have time for this, we have plans to make and a deadline to keep." Wrong answer.
As our time was growing shorter and deadlines getting closer, and still with no plans, I finally stopped fighting. I took a seat and let all my frustration out on God. You know what? He is a big God and He can handle us and whatever we throw at Him, He just wants us to actually throw it at Him. As I let my heart pour out to God I found myself just giving in to Him, admitting that I could do nothing without Him or His presence. I finally began to really pray and present my specific requests to Him and give Him all control. In this, I began to find slivers of peace. You know what He began to tell me?
"Find yourself in My presence and I will give you rest",
"Seek Me with your whole being",
"Demonstrate your trust in Me",
" Live in dependence of Me",
"In closeness to Me, you are safe",
"Spend time with Me."
As I began to allow myself to listen and be loved by my God, He began pour out His love and teach me. What did I learn?
God is in control! He sees all, hears all and is ALL.
God wants my heart, not what I can do for Him.
God wants a relationship with me, and wants to converse with me.
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